Free Time

My old boss at Slips mentioned that I could work a few days while I'm here in Leeds, but I honestly have no interest in giving up my 3 weeks of vacation. He has yet to call me, so it's been easy to tell myself that I'd rather have this luxurious and beautiful time to myself - I'm sure if he calls me in a couple days and I'm looking at my finances, I'll say yes. For now, I am waking up at any old time, eating fruit in my oatmeal, enjoying my french press pot of coffee, and listening to my entire music library in iTunes on shuffle (something I haven't done since high school). I doubt I'll get through my whole music library, but I'm trying. Spending my days reading and walking to the corner shops and around town has been so nice. I took myself out for an afternoon date last Saturday to the Hyde Park Picture House and it reminded me of how much I love watching movies in theaters by myself. It feels like a secret, and being happy with being with yourself is a strange sort of thrill.

Being here reminds me of the person I used to be. A lot of my friends have asked me if I still write poetry, or if I'm still active in that creative-writers-community that I used to rave about. My personal philosophy back then was entirely centered around the creativity in writing. Since then I've stopped being that writing-centric self and, I would like to think, started just respecting creativity period. I had buckets of physical energy then, too. Now I can sit still for a week but read upwards of 3 novels (just proven in the month of August) and I'm happy with that change. Make no mistake, though, I'm still far from being an Intellectual or a Thinker - I think I'll forever be too impatient to be a Thinker. But these 3 weeks give me a little bit of limbo to just be with myself and think. It's like a surprise gift. I anticipated some free time but all I really let materialize in my brain when I thought about this time a few months ago was the ability to spend time with old friends and compare notes on what we've seen since we left each other 2 years ago. People need this, I think. Stillness. A very rare commodity today. Losing that stillness is what I've always argued is a negative side effect to technology, the very reason Eric teased me for being a Luddite for so many years. My perspective on that has changed, as well, thanks to him and my recent (and hopefully long-term) open-mindedness. It doesn't matter what technology it is, it's just how you use it. It's maybe one of the defining characteristics of our species, the capability of self-reflection, the whole concept of self. My Carr Street girls and I made vision boards for the beginning of the year, and I found a whole slew of articles on Radical Self Love. "Radical" because it had to be different from anything you've ever practiced. Hard to do unless you sit still and listen to very little. 

I'm constantly comparing this week to the first week I spent in Leeds in September 2008. That self from 2008 is long gone, but I know I'm this happy now because of that painful week. I had to make friends and explore the town and suffer the shock of knowing (what felt like) nothing about this country. Now, it's utterly seamless - obviously, there are things I've forgotten, but there's no shock or loneliness. I love it, I love being here and the feeling of adventurousness. I think I forced myself out on a limb for selfish reasons last time, but that cloud of depression 2 years ago led me here to this lovely afternoon of sitting on Leander's red velvet chaise longue where I am looking out the window at the wind and counting my blessings, an ocean away from home.